


Winds Call

by utxop



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Childhood Friends, F/M, Mentions of Cancer, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2018-01-15
Packaged: 2019-02-18 15:34:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13103217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/utxop/pseuds/utxop
Summary: Levi has known her his entire life. Somehow she’s always been here, whether he wanted it or not, and somehow, after years spent forgetting her face, he comes back to the city where they have grown, and finds himself being the one reaching for her even if she actually was the one to leave.





	1. Splinters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi wasn’t sure when did he start holding on to the past so much.

_It was October when Nora called._

 

 

***

 

His breath misted in front of his face.

“Levi.”

He didn’t feel the settling cold or the heaviness of his legs. His throat was as parched as a dead lizard under the desert sun but every footfall was soft; each movement practised so often his muscles were working on autopilot.

Sometimes Levi thought about the past.

“Levi.”

And he didn’t really like it.

_“Levi!”_

He had forgotten for how long his feet had been hitting the tarmac. He figured it must have been a while when a bead of sweat tickled his clavicle.

The sole of his shoes scraped the track, his body and his spirit halting and only now could he hear the pounding of his heart and feel the ache in his shinbones.

Erwin was standing on the other end of the circuit when Levi turned around.

Sudden heat submerged him when he reached his level, and with his bangs clinging to his sticky forehead, Levi took the towel and the bottle Erwin handed him, wiped his skin then sat on the ground and asked between two sips of water, “How long?”

Erwin answered, “Fifty-four.”

And Levi yanked his shirt off. “Is it good?” He hated the aftermath of effort, the blood rush and the sweat and the fire in his lungs—his legs forgetting what it was like to just rest.

“Quite, yes.” Levi could feel Erwin’s nagging stare on him. “Especially knowing you would have done eleven if I hadn’t called you.” It sounded like a reproach. “You’ve been pushing yourself recently.”

Levi didn’t understand what was wrong with that. Erwin always said he had to push further, that enough was never really quite enough. But Levi never really understood Erwin anyway.

The bottle was taken off his hand. “How are you feeling?”

 _Empty_. “Dirty.”

“No.” Levi felt his brows furrow. “You’ve been distracted lately. Something’s wrong.”

The air was fresh on his skin; now he was too aware of the sting stretching his flesh.

“It’s...” Levi didn’t really know himself—what would sound right. He didn’t want to explain it all. “...family.” The word felt bitter on his tongue despite its facility.

Erwin hummed thoughtfully, and Levi didn’t even care if he believed him or not; didn’t care about the quality of his timing or the dirt clinging to his skin.

His body was becoming cold again.

 

***

 

Blue light shifted between jugs and smiles as the riddled room spun with torn and blood-covered clothes draped on painted skins. The music and the chatter pierced through his ears and Levi looked at the pumpkin garlands with certain scepticism, his features set in a frown also because the makeup on his face itched and the only thing he could think about was to get it off.

A voice resounded next to him. “You look like you’re having fun.”

And Levi’s frown deepened. “Your fault, Shitty Glasses.”

Hanji scratched her eyebrow. Levi couldn’t see half of her face because of the eyepatch she was wearing. “They’re annoying with that thing underneath.”

He forbade himself to make a joke about it. “Take it off?”

She shrugged. “No one is going to guess I’m a pirate without it.”

“Yeah... Your costume’s shit.”

There was a girl sat at table six, with a white collar black dress and plaited hair and her teeth were a bit green when she smiled because of the black lipstick she was wearing.

She didn’t really look like Wednesday Addams, and she didn’t look like her. Yet Levi recalled the sticky feeling on his lips and Hanji retorted, “Still better than yours.”

It was hard to focus. “You’re the one who did it,” he said.

Hanji turned to look at the bright red trails on his face. “Well, it’s still awful.”

Levi forgot about clicking his tongue when a guy with a clown mask staggered to the bar and ordered two pints. Though he looked already pretty drunk, Levi complied swiftly, filling the pitchers and avoiding the spider web laid on the counter, and Hanji asked, “So you’re leaving for the Holidays?”

The clown walked off quickly after paying, yelling something Levi didn’t bother to register to a group of other staggering clowns, with beers in hands and nothing else and Levi nodded slightly as he put the money in the till.

Hanji’s expression seemed to have changed when he turned back to her. She looked worried almost. “How long?”

Something settled in his stomach when he answered.

“A month.”

 

***

 

November was Levi attempting to forget the twist in his core by working overtime and running miles Erwin told him not to run.

It was a scarf around his neck and thick wool socks in his boots; grey skies and artificial snow above his head and in the vitrines. It was the annoying music in the stores and Levi understanding that soon only comes soon enough. It was packing and packing over and over again because Levi tried to lose time in folding his t-shirts instead of thinking.

It was Levi going to parties he didn’t want to go and driving Hanji back to her place when she was too drunk and him telling her how ridiculous she was every time it happened even though she wouldn’t remember anything the next day. It was Levi realising for the first time how lonely he had been and taking the numbers anyone gave him and yet never answering any of the calls he could be receiving.

It was Levi still thinking because his thoughts were always louder than any music that could be playing. It was late night trips, dry skin and watery eyes in the wind. It was the cold seeping through his clothes no matter how much layers he could be wearing.

November was winter settling in too quickly.

 

***

 

And meanwhile came the beginning of December.

Birch trees passed in the distance and in front of his eyes. Levi could discern his features between the rails and the soupy sky and when his eyes shifted ahead he was faced with the weary lines and shadows that had been blanketing his skin for the past months in the reflective glass of the window pane.

All the while, he listened to the chug of the engine rumbling under the music coming from the earphones he had put on to avoid hearing the irritating crunch of the mouth on his right.

The passenger next to him was a tall boy, probably not much younger than him, wearing an ice blue tracksuit and his own pair of earphones shoved deep into his drums. He didn’t have a suitcase, just a bumbag he wore across his chest instead of his waist and a packet of barbecue crisps. He had sat next to him three stations ago, and Levi came to the conclusion it was better to keep staring at the passing forests rather than admiring the red-powdered crumbs lost between the guy’s legs.

There were a few scribbles on the back of the seat facing him.

He didn’t want to look at these either.

 

***

 

Levi waited in front of the doors, the trees and the grey sky replaced by a glass ceiling and people standing on the platform.

He saw Nora waiting for him in the hall, and he barely had time to take his earphones off and note that her face still looked the same that Nora took him in her arms. She still held him the same way she was holding him every time he came back home, and the car still smelled like worn-out leather and stale air like every time he had gotten into it.

Levi had his temple pressed on the window, lids heavy and this time, not really wanting to gaze through them.

“You look tired,” Nora said and Levi quickly straightened in his seat. “Has everything been alright there?”

He answered with a sigh, eyes transfixed on the silent radio station. “Yeah.” But decided it would probably not be enough to reassure her. “Just working late.”

Nora’s hand left the gear stick to place itself on his knee. “Well, you’re going to be able to get some rest here for a while, huh?”

He wanted to push it away, and at the same time he didn’t really want to turn his face to Nora’s because just the tone of her voice could tell him that even she didn’t really believe in what she was saying, and yet, Levi simply whispered, “Yeah.”

His stomach had been caught in a twist for he didn’t even know how long anymore and Nora’s hand gave his leg a small squeeze. “I’m glad you’re here. I missed you.”

Her voice was foreign, and unusually soft but, it was also like she could sense it too, and Levi guessed it was probably what motherhood was about.

“Yeah...” He forced his eyes to shift back on the road. “I know, mum.”

 

***

 

Levi was just a day old when he moved in with Nora.

They used to both lived in the family house with Ester (Nora’s mother) and her husband Frida before he died a year after Levi arrived and since then, Nora decided to stay with her all along.

Ester was a slight, tempestuous woman who despite her inflexibility always taught him to never try and bite the hand trying to feed him and maybe it had something to do with the fact that one of his earliest memories was Ester in the kitchen peeling and slicing apples she picked up from the tree in their garden. She would prepare the best pies Levi had ever eaten whenever he came back from school without a smile—which he had to admit, happened more often than not because Levi didn’t really smile, and Ester didn’t talk much, yet she always listened, and the few times she talked, it was surly and sharp and noxious, and sometimes Nora had trouble understanding what she was saying and sometimes she would yell at her and tell her that saying something like ‘shitty bastards’ or ‘motherfucking brats’ while talking about the bailiffs shouldn’t be something that should be shouted in front of a child (and even when she wasn’t talking about the bailiffs).

Ester slept in the room next to his. Sometimes she would come in with a deck of cards and teach him how to play War. Other times she would bring a vinyl of The Pentangle in the old player and say something like: “This is real music, son. Not like the shit playing on the radio these days,” and Levi would just shrug because he didn’t really know what even was ‘real music’ back then.

Ester also used to tell him about how Jacqui (who she had apparently befriended with) introduced him to Terry Cox after one of their concerts. Levi recalled the way she used to point her finger in the air, as to put as much fever to the tale as possible:

“I was a real fox at the time,” she would say. “He fell right into it. He asked me to marry him right at the end of the party. But, you know... I couldn’t marry someone who played folk. That’s just ethical.”

Ester had lots of stories, however she never talked about Frida.

 

***

 

He was six when she started getting ill.

Even at the time, he had always wondered if her pain wasn’t what made her body decline.

One day they came back home with Nora, and Ester was lying on the kitchen floor. Nora told him to go in his room, with a tone too hurried, and too desperate, and a few minutes later there were sirens in the street and men talking in the house.

Ester’s body was quickly gone.

It didn’t prevent its image to invade his nights.

 

***

 

Nora started saving money. She said it was time to get some fresh air.

He was eight when they moved house.

 

***

 

Their new home was a small two bedroom house with a garden and a veranda.

Levi kept his walls white. Because he always waited for the time when Nora would tell him that he would have to take everything off.

On the days where he wasn’t at school, Levi spent most of his time under the apple tree they planted the first fall they arrived, playing cards or with the neighbours’ cat.

He didn’t really like the new school. Sometimes he would see Nora in the corridor and it was the only time of the day where he felt somewhat easy.

There was a guy named Pete, with a bit of a tummy and big fingers who always wiggled on his chair and tapped on the table with his pen. One day Levi told him to shove it down his ass if he didn’t know what to do with it and some of the kids laughed but he was summoned by the headteacher who told him that it wasn’t because his mum was working there that he had the right to feel superior in any way.

Especially when his mother was just the school cleaner.

 

***

 

On summer days, Nora would take him to the beach, under a parasol and with plastic tubs filled with fruits.

Levi didn’t really like the beach. Because he would always bring back sand he had gathered between his toes and it was annoying and because one time he had stepped on a sliver and he had to get it stitched. But he enjoyed the salty humid air and the sound of the waves that used to crash on the estuary. So he learned to compromise, and to keep his shoes on even if he looked weird.

It was only twenty minutes away by car. Sometimes Nora would turn the radio on and sing quietly above the music. Despite the blue notes and the annoying tunes, Levi always listened carefully and sometimes, he would allow his fingers to drum a bit on the inside of the car door.

Nora seemed happy during those times.

It made it easier to forget there were also silences.

 

***

 

Later on, he understood why Ester also taught him how to play Solitaire.

At the time he thought her death was still deeply steeped in Nora’s memory, that the new city and the river were just brewing this melancholy she seemed to have always had inside her. But no matter how much time passed; how much flood and storm cleaned the dirt covering their skin, Nora kept being silent and she kept walking on her own between the packs of wolves surrounding them and, maybe against her will, she ended up leaving Levi on his own too.

When he was twelve, Nora explained him that his biological mother (a long-term acquaintance of hers) was already two months late to get an abortion when she learned she was pregnant. He never really got what could have led her to abandon someone who wasn’t even here yet he told himself it wasn’t something he needed to think about.

Then in sixth form, Levi learned that the word ‘pregnancy’ could also be paired with ‘denial’ and he took the hint that his existence was such a threat that even her own body discarded it.

He also learned her name: Kuchel, and that even if she would have wanted to, she died before she could have met him.

Kenny (her brother) was the one who brought Levi to Nora, with a fake certificate before he was put in jail for Nora never told Levi what, but Levi told himself it wasn’t things that should matter anymore still, the more he grew up; the less he could ignore it all and even if he knew he didn’t need a mother when he already had one, he had always wondered if maybe, Nora regretted anything, and if maybe, it was actually because he was so much like Ester that she could barely look at him anymore.

Growing up wasn’t always easy.

As years went by loneliness became something he rested upon; Levi wasn’t good at making friends and it wasn’t like he wished he was anyway.

But one summer came Lauren and [F/n]. One windy summer afternoon after all his cards had been wafted through the sand, and Nora finally looked away from her book to help him pick them all up.

After much exploration, Levi sat on his towel, shuffled and fanned down his deck again. [F/n]’s feet were the first thing he saw when she approached him—her small child toes she was pushing in the sand as she crouched in front of him. Then it was her hand—stretching out an ace of spades and putting it next to his new pile. Levi lifted his chin. Her hair and her lashes were damp, her lips a bit pressed. She wasn’t smiling. She didn’t say anything. She just straightened up and kept looking at him with an expressionless face.

Expecting she would go away if he said it, Levi muttered a small, “Thanks,” eyes shifting back to the ground as he drew a card, and he heard her say, “Patience.”

“Ah?”

“You’re playing Patience.” Levi’s brows furrowed; he never played Patience.

“Solitaire,” he corrected.

Yet she shrugged, unfazed. “I call it Patience.”

Then slowly she crouched down again until she was sat, cross-legged in front of him and Levi didn’t understand why and so slightly turned his face askance to Nora and she had a smirk playing at the corner of her lips as she just nodded in direction of [F/n].

Levi sighed heavily, and turned to see that she had already completed almost half a cascade.

He always thought Solitaire was a game that could only be played alone.

 

***

 

With one afternoon came another. Then another until Nora and Lauren also ended up sharing the same parasol.

Thanks to Nora—because he was too busy chastising [F/n] on playing when it wasn’t her turn—Levi learned that Lauren and [F/n] just moved here, that they were living at the very end of the same street they lived on, and that [F/n] would attend his school in September.

He remembered she had been wearing an indigo swimsuit all summer long. He guessed it might have been why on the first day of school, he felt a palpable sense of nostalgia when he saw her in her uniform talking to another girl after fifth period.

Levi was forced to accept summer had actually come to an end.

Since Ester’s death it was the first time he experienced how heavy loneliness actually was, and he really did thought it was funny how he started to miss things he never even wished to have in the first place—and how he really only realised he missed them once he got them back.

 

***

 

About three weeks after the start of the school year, he heard [F/n] call his name as he was riding his way home.

He hated how relieved he felt when she said she had been looking for him.

 

***

 

At the end of the trimester [F/n] and Levi didn’t need to rely on cards to have a conversation anymore.

Every day was the return trip taking a bit longer, [F/n] telling him how her day went, about the friends she had made or any sort of conversation she could find to fill in the blanks he was leaving. She also knew when to let silence speak instead, and Levi was fine with that. With time, and with winter approaching, they ended up riding their way home together, and oftentimes, Levi would stay a bit longer—just until they would reach the front of her house.

He told himself it didn’t make that big of a difference anyway.

 

***

 

Levi wasn’t the only one taking a long way.

Nora and Lauren became closer, and Lauren and [F/n] started visiting more and more often.

Most of the time, Levi and [F/n] sat in the garden with a game while most of the time, their mothers were chatting inside, and sometimes, his other friend visited as well:

He recalled Cat nuzzling [F/n]’s hand and [F/n] asking what his name was the first time they met, as well as the way her brows raised a little when Levi answered, “Cat.”

“He is a cat so I call him Cat,” he explained.

The corners of [F/n]’s lips lifted a bit before she nodded and gave Cat a small pet on the top of his head. “Logic,” she said, and somehow it made Levi pretty pleased with himself.

 

***

 

She made things easy.

 

***

 

[F/n]’s body changed before he had time to notice his own did, and before he knew it, they were both teenagers.

 

***

 

Growing up wasn’t that hard when it happened with someone else.

They spent the last two years of high school in the same class, Levi letting her take the window seat, because [F/n] liked to sit in the unsubdued light of the morning with her chin in her hand and her eyes set on the stratus and the aeroplane trails above the buildings or the people playing soccer or dodgeball during PE outside, her elbow brushing his because she said first and second period were always the worst.

Pete was also here, and he didn’t have a bit of a tummy or big fingers anymore.

Pete was the guy every girl ran after because he was still an asshole but he had abs and he was popular so it was okay.

During their first prom, Pete was the guy who not so discreetly poured rum in the punch and tried to make everyone drink it. He stunk like alcohol and loser when he came and offered [F/n] a drink then a dance then to bring her to his place and every time [F/n] said no until Pete told her she was a bitch and Levi nutted him in front of everyone.

He had gotten in detention for the first time because of that, but [F/n] also couldn’t stop laughing on the way home.

It sickened him how the want to know if her skin was as soft as it looked tickled him.

 

***

 

Sometimes she and Lauren had dinner at their place.

When alcohol seeped in and Levi and [F/n] ended up in Levi’s room because they were tired of the raving waves of laughter of their respective mothers, sometimes he would hear Nora cry.

[F/n] wouldn’t say anything, and instead she would speak loud enough for him not to hear it, and somehow it made Levi want to touch her even more.

 

***

 

At times Nora would come and watch him play when a match was set up.

He quickly understood it was only because of Lauren and [F/n]’s insistence.

Levi wished he could have felt more gratitude towards Nora than he did towards them.

But he didn’t.

 

***

 

Time kept passing, but he had to admit, life did seem to be a bit better.

Levi got his first phone, and then his first car when he graduated. He became captain of the baseball team, passed with only A’s and B’s without making that much of an effort and managed to get his scholarship for the university Nora was so unnaturally proud of him to attend.

But because good things always last, [F/n] left, and with [F/n] leaving for the other end of the country, Levi’s tendonitis appeared.

He tried to tell himself it would be easier to let things go.

And then the weight of the world always ended up crashing back on him.

So Levi also left.

He renewed contact with Alex, one of his former team players, and settled with him until Levi found a job at the old city’s bar and saved enough money so he could pay his own rent.

Things were okay. Nora stopped worrying because he kept telling her that he was fine and that he kept visiting whenever he found the will and the time.

From one day to the other, [F/n] stopped calling—mind the New Year’s drunk messages—and Levi stopped waiting.

He spent most of his time working, listening to the blathering stories the clients—or Hanji—gave him to come home late and still not finding the force to sleep.

It wasn’t that bad. He found some comfort in starting from scratch. It was easy to get used to all of this.

Levi still ran sometimes. It helped him to keep his spirits free—not think too much.

One day he was stopped in front of his apartment by a way too tall blond guy, who told him that he had seen him playing back in high school, and that he was also one of the head coaches of the best sports university of the city. He also said that Levi had ‘potential’ and that he could help him to get there if he worked hard enough but Levi walked off with a simple, “I’m not interested,” because indeed, he didn’t care anymore and because after all, he had never needed help to get what he wanted in life.

But Erwin waited for weeks, every day, same hour in front of his apartment, pretending to read a newspaper on the other side of the sidewalk so Levi found a new timing to go running. But then Erwin was there when Levi left for work, and he just couldn’t avoid him anymore.

After two months, Levi finally crossed the street and asked Erwin if he planned on leaving this shitty spot someday. Erwin said no, Levi told him that he was one clingy motherfucker and Erwin laughed.

And then Nora called.

He remembers how frail her voice was and the way she had been avoiding the subject since then; how she told him that Lauren had been hospitalised, and that she was already in the final phase; that [F/n] was going to be here, and how he never expected that just hearing someone’s name could be so crushing.

She said they all needed him here. So Levi came. And now Levi is in front of the window washing plates and forks with Nora.

They don’t talk—much. They don’t talk about Lauren, or about [F/n]. It’s silence and a racket all at once. _Like it’s always been_ , he thinks. Like she’s always been here and wasn’t at the same time.

Levi feels the fatigue of the six hours trip in his legs, and uncharacteristically, all he thinks about is to sleep because he is tired of pretending, and he realises it really is exhausting to say everything is fine all the time.

He finishes drying his hands when his eyes fall on the apple tree in the garden.

Something’s wrong with it. “What is it?” he asks.

Nora looks at him, a bit surprised by his sudden wording. “What?”

“What’s wrong with the tree?” Its bark has become a charcoal coat. “It looks dead.”

It doesn’t even have flowers anymore. “Well, it is dying actually.” Levi stills for a moment, and Nora continues, a step closer, “There’s a disease thing I can’t remember the name of.” She pauses. Now she is looking through the window with him, unsure. “It’s been like this for months so I called Schaper but he said there’s nothing we can do.”

Levi doesn’t know why his heart suddenly clenched so hard. “Oh...”

“Yeah…” Nora rubs the back of her neck, sheepishly, like it’s nothing; an inconvenience when she says, “I need to cut it but, by myself it’s a bit hard.”

It seems like it’s the only thing she finds worrying, and something rages deep inside of him.

“I’ll do it,” he spits but Levi doesn’t mean it. Levi doesn’t want to do it. Because it’s their tree: his and Nora’s; his and [F/n]’s, Ester’s and suddenly he realises how hard it is; now that he is here; now that Lauren is dying; now that _everything_ around him is dying and tells him that soon or later it’s all going to just go.

Even that fucking tree.

Nora gazes him. Something odd surrounds them but quietly, she ends up saying a small, “Thanks,” even though suspicion covers her face.

Silence falls again and Levi can’t look through the window; can’t look at Nora’s face anymore. He knows by heart what the road in front of him would lead him to, and his heart clenches too hard when he thinks about it.


	2. Experience

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meeting up with his old ghosts was hard.

He had never been a real smoker; the smell (even not so much the taste) always sickened him in spite of any predisposition to tobacco he might or might not had.

The first time was with Ester, when he was eight.

Some of his (stupid) classmates thought crumbling some plane leaves and wrapping them in a sheet of white paper would be fun to smoke behind the school building after lunch right on (of course) Levi’s spot—which used to allow him a bit of rest after the usual rumpus of the canteen, and that he just refused to leave, by pride first and second, maybe because he wanted to know if Pete and his gang really were _that_ stupid.

They were— _really_ that stupid. But if, too fortunately, no one got caught and if Levi was still sitting at quite a good distance from them (and was still told to be the stupid one because of that), the smell stunk his clothes out and only granted him a comment when he came back home:

“What the _fuck_ is this, son?”

He wished he could have avoided it but, he also knew Ester was ready to slap him so, Levi said the truth and, eventually, Ester’s face seemed to soften a little. With a hand on her hip, she had looked at him for what felt like a really long time. Levi thought she was still trying to figure things out, until she said something that oddly sounded like: “You want to try it out?”

He was sure he heard it wrong. “What?”

Ester then reached for one of the kitchen drawers, lifted a false bottom he didn’t know existed and grabbed a beige packet that was sitting there, opened it and pulled out a cigarette she lit in front of him before handing it in his direction. “You want to try it out or not?”

Levi’s eyes widened before the smoke started to burn his nostrils.

 _It’s a trap_ , he thought. _It has to be a trap._ He was seeing that creepy calamari saying it in his head like he said it in the movie Nora made him watch a few days ago.

 _It’s a trap_. “No.”

He was almost offended Ester could think he would fall so easily. “Try it or I’m using it as incense all over your room.”

Levi couldn’t say anything. “Okay.” It was horrendous.

Obliged, he took the cigarette and brought it to his lips with a furrow of his brows—at himself, because it _was_ easy to trick him and because, this thing really stunk more than he thought it would.

He had no idea how to do this. Keeping such a thin object still between his fingers was hard enough, and he had to admit, he did feel a bit stupid in this moment. The thought of throwing it away flickered but, he knew he would feel even more stupid if he chickened out so, Levi instinctively inhaled once—out of air more than anything—and surprisingly, didn’t cough.

The smoke was bitter, and hot, and tickling. It wasn’t awful but, it wasn’t like he saw the purpose either.

Esther was looking at him with a raised brow when he lifted his head. “So?”

He knew what she wanted to hear. “It’s shit.”

The brow lowered and she snatched the cigarette out of his hand. “Right. So don’t try it ever again.”

Ester then brought it to her own lips, took a drag, and hid the packet back where it originally was. “And you better not tell your mother about this.”

 

***

 

His second cigarette was with a guy named Janick, during fifth grade.

Janick was a thirteen years old boy who was thirteen years old because he had repeated kindergarten twice (something Levi wasn’t a hundred percent sure was possible).

Once, Janick proposed him to hang out with him when their history teacher, Mrs Berninger was absent so they were told they could leave school earlier. Janick said he had to wait for his brother to pick him up, and Levi didn’t really feel like going home just yet and he only had an hour to wait before [F/n] would finish class so he accepted and they ended up roving in the park that was barely two minutes away from their school, hidden under a slide and sharing a cigarette that Janick had stolen to his brother.

Janick then gave him a gum, some deodorant and not long after was gone on a scooter with a guy wearing a signet ring on his left hand. They barely ever talked after that—mind of a few signs of the head when they passed each other—and that was it.

[F/n] didn’t notice anything, and Levi never told her about it. He didn’t know why yet, his third cigarette was with her, at a party at Sofia’s house when they were fifteen. Sofia, who he didn’t know either but who [F/n] knew and who said to [F/n] that she could bring someone to the party if she wanted to. Sofia, who was the one who gave [F/n] the cigarette, and who Levi didn’t really like because of that.

[F/n] decided to smoke it that night, but then she asked Levi to finish it because she said it made her head spin.

The few left were ones some guys gave him at parties, or wanted to share around a drink or during break or after work for he wasn’t sure what reasons because indeed, he had never been a real smoker.

Except right now, right fucking now it’s the only thing he can think about.

Levi rises from his chair, credits Nora with a, “I’m going out,” grabs her keys, and rides to the nearest shop. He asks for the cheapest packet (because it is actually the first time in his life that he buys one and because he can’t bother to remember the names anyway) and the cheapest lighter, pays and curses silently about how expensive it is, goes out, almost tears the damn thing apart, puts a cigarette between his lips, lits it up, and inhales.

The smoke hits his throat like a hot cloud of acid. For a second, his tongue feels raspy, and bitter then, the initial feeling comes down and travels to his lungs and covers them like a warm blanket. It feels nice though, Levi doesn’t seem to feel any better. His muscles loosen but, the din in his head doesn’t recede.

He feels angry, and maybe a bit sad too. It’s hard to point why, because there are just too many things.

 

***

 

It had been two days since his return when it happened.

After he finally found the will to unpack his things on the morning, Nora asked him to go and pick up a few things at the store because the fridge was nearly empty and they had barely anything to eat so, Levi went to the store, clicked his tongue a couple of times because of people taking all the space in the aisle or much more time than necessary at the checkout, and made his way back already pretty pissed.

He hadn’t taken the car, because the store was just ten minutes away by feet and, maybe because he actually wanted to take his time and breathe a bit from the stifling air that was filling the house and that was surrounding Nora. Yet, it all seemed too short, like his legs just decided to rush without he had consented to anything and before he knew it, Levi was passing the garden and opening the door.

When he entered, he heard Nora talking. “There’s always been hard times, you know. But… I feel like recently it’s gotten worse.” She was in the kitchen.

Levi thought she was on the phone before he heard another voice. “Yeah...” For a moment he wasn’t sure, and then she spoke again. “I guess it’s hard for all of us.”

His heart lurched in his chest, and his hand froze on the doorknob. He hadn’t closed it yet: he could go back now if he wanted to, and no one would notice it. [F/n]—he didn’t want to see her, and at the same time, it was the only thing he had been wanting for the last five years. He wondered what she looked like now. What she sounded like—didn’t change much, from the memories that were coming back just now, because he had actually forgotten what she sounded like before he heard her speak, and for a second, he hated himself because of that and then, he told himself that he hated her and, he immediately regretted it because, he couldn’t hate her. Of all things, he was angry at her. A bit, maybe because she had left him, and because of that he didn’t even know what she looked like now, and if he wanted to figure it out, he would have to step into this kitchen.

It was all of this he hated—more than anything.

Nora talked again, softly. “I’m sorry.”

And [F/n] said, “Don’t. I’m fine.”

And Levi knew what this ‘fine’ was. It was the ‘fine’ that meant ‘not fine’ and even if her voice wanted to sound ‘fine’; even if he couldn’t see her, weirdly he could see her saying it in his head, and it was funny how he realised he still knew her by heart; even if it had been so long; even if he didn’t even _see_ her.

They both stopped speaking for a moment, and Levi guessed Nora must have held out a hand to [F/n] because it was what she was doing, always when she didn’t know what to say because of course, Nora knew too that [F/n] wasn’t fine.

Levi sighed, and with a clammy hand finally closed the door—a bit loud so, this time, they could know he was here. With fakely assured steps he made his way to the kitchen.

He didn’t have to pretend anything when he saw her sat at the table with Nora. His feet stopped moving, the plastic bag in his hand almost slipped, and his heart seemed to burst into pieces. [F/n] looked at him like a deer caught in headlights, off guard but her expression quickly falling back to normal, her face still tense, and her eyes scanning him up and down before she let out a shy smile. “Hey…”

This time, the bag slipped out of his grip to end up in Nora’s. “You’ve been quick.”

For a moment he just looked at her getting everything out and putting it in the fridge, waiting maybe for help, or a look that would tell him what to do. But nothing came, and [F/n] was standing up, making her way towards him and before he had time to do anything, her arms were around him, awkwardly, and too quickly for him to know what to do with his. Her hair tickled his nose, and it smelled good—like her, because [F/n] always smelled more than nice because she smelled like [F/n]. Her chest pressed against his, and his heart was beating so loud he was afraid she could feel it. Feeling her like this, made it seem like she wasn’t really here because it felt good, to have her this way, when they never did anything like this before since they never had to meet up again. Levi thought about wrapping his own arms around her, feel her, a bit more than that but before he could gather enough courage to do it, she was gone, stepping back with her eyes down, disappointed maybe because indeed, he _is_ a coward.

“It’s been a while,” she said.

Her eyes were still down, but it made it easier to behold her face now; observe that she _did_ change, like he must have changed too. Yet she still looked like her and, she didn’t at the same time because, when she left she was just a girl, and now she is woman, and he is a man, and he found it terrifying now, that things might never be the same again; that he can’t take her back to the time where she was just a girl, and he was just a boy. In just five years, it terrified him.

“Yeah,” he whispered.

[F/n] smiled a bit, but it was a sad smile. It felt like they were about to part again, already because she smiled the same way when they had to say goodbye. It made his jaw clench, and a lump in his throat form. She sat down again, and Levi did the same, next to her because he didn’t have the choice; because sitting at Nora’s place, in front of her, would be weird. He didn’t want any of them to think he was trying to be distant, even if he wanted to be—away, and somewhere else.

When his eyes lifted she was looking at him again, her smile changing—to something softer. “You haven’t changed.”

“Why are you here?” The sentence left his lips before he could stop it, harsh despite his own will, as always. It sounded like he wanted her to go away. He didn’t—deep down all he wanted was her to stay.

[F/n]’s expression barely changed because, even if he had forgotten it, she knows him as well as he does—by heart, too (maybe more than he does). “To see you, actually.”

Rage crawled under his skin, suddenly because now she ‘wants to see him’. After five years, now it was disquieting.

His mouth opened, ready to snap but Nora spoke first. “So did you come with Paul?”

“Yeah, he’s home right now—”

“Who’s Paul?” Levi cut, sharp. Whoever the fucker was, he stopped him in the midst of his pre-argument.

“My boyfriend.” There was a stab. “He had some work to do,” she continued, her face blunt.

All the anger fell right at his feet. Now he didn’t know what to feel. She didn’t look at him, and maybe he felt jealousy prick his spine but, _It’s stupid,_ he thought, to feel that. He wanted to feel something else—anger, felt better than that.

“Great. I hope we’ll get to see him soon,” Nora said, bright.

The anger came back. “Yeah, sure.”

 _Great._ Nora thought it was _great_. The idea suddenly revolted him—that someone, could touch her. He wanted to find the bastard and kill him, with his own hands if he had to. Then he thought about her spending her days with someone other than him, and, _It’s so fucking stupid,_ he thought because of course, it would have happened. Maybe it made him sad to think about it, because, in fact, he didn’t even hate her—for anything, not even because she had to leave. Now, he was the one he wanted to punch.

“Maybe we could have dinner together while you’re both here. All of us.”

Levi saw red. “Oh, well… We don’t want to bother—”

He was boring holes in Nora’s skull before she turned around, one hand on her hip and the other on the chair back next to him. He wanted to swat it away. “What are you on about, [F/n]? You’re like my daughter, come on. What about Friday, huh? Lauren should be out, right?”

A muscle in [F/n]’s jaw twitched. “She should, yes.”

He couldn’t look at her face. “Perfect. Just something simple here, don’t worry.”

“What do you think?” It all felt so wrong. “Levi?”

He didn’t notice his nails had been digging into his palms until [F/n] put a hand on his arm. “How is she?”

His voice was small, like he didn’t want Nora to hear it. She had been pretending nothing was wrong since the beginning now, he just wanted it to be between him, and [F/n]—a secret, maybe because the subject became taboo before it even existed. He didn’t like taboo.

From the corner of his eye, the muscle in [F/n]’s jaw was so clenched it looked like a cyst. “She’s...” Her chin dropped, and Levi almost regretted to have asked anything. Now he understood why—no one talked about it. “... tired, I guess.”

Pain is written all over her face. It’s hard to watch. For once now, he doesn’t know what to do. Her hand was gone, and Levi wasn’t sure when did she take it away. His mouth opened again, but he wasn’t sure what to say. Suddenly, the resent is gone too—almost. He wants to reach for her, but his lips were left parted, with no words escaping them, his hand hanging on the table with no nerve to touch her. A shatter broke the silence in the room. [F/n] jumped next to him. Nora had a cup-free handle in her hand. “Fuck.” It echoed like a salvo.

Slivers of blue ceramic were scattered in a puddle across the floor. Nora stepped on one, cracking as she put the tea-filled cup that was in her other hand on the table. The sound (and the sight) made him shudder. Nora stooped to gather the pieces in her hands, and out of instinct, Levi clicked his tongue and pushed her to the side. “Go get a mop.”

Nora gawked at him for a second, and then quickly left the room. The subject dropped as quickly as it was broached, and Levi wondered if she might have done it on purpose. “You need help?”

[F/n]’s voice made something twirl in his stomach. “No.”

He threw the broken bits in the bin coolly, with annoyance because Levi recalled the one time where he was the one left with a simple handle between his fingers and a cup blown to smithereens at his feet. He was with [F/n] that day, and she had helped him clean the disaster that was spread on the floor without he had asked for anything but, this time, [F/n] stayed on her seat. Somehow, it made him even angrier—he just wasn’t sure with who.

Nora came back with a mop, and Levi took it from her hands to lay it on the floor. “Sit,” he told her and Nora sat down and Levi grabbed two other cups and added some water to the one that was still boiling in the pan, trying to focus on the task rather than watching or listening to Nora’s attempts to shroud [F/n]’s doleful look with simple discussions.

He sat back in between them, handed them their drinks, and suddenly he felt like a stranger in his own house. He brought the already cooling cup Nora first made to his lips, and above the rim, he looked at [F/n]. She chuckled, and he didn’t know why. Her smile made his stomach and his throat tighten, like if he was about to throw up. He wanted to ask her why—now, they feel like strangers, but he has accepted long ago, in fact, that people always ended up leaving.

Nora’s voice resounded somewhere in the background. It made his temples throb, and his fists clench on the table. He didn’t want to hear it. The only thing he wanted was to stand—go away since she had only been trying to push him. He was left here, like an intruder, staring at nothing with a cold and shit-tasting tea. If there was someone he hated more than [F/n], or than himself, it was probably Nora.

A buzz steered him out of his boredom before he had time to finish his drink. [F/n]’s phone rang, and [F/n] stood up and answered in another room; so now, they had secrets for each other.

She came back a few minutes later, breaking the arid silence he and Nora were sharing. “I’m sorry, it’s... the hospital. I have to go pick a couple of stuff at home.” He knew she was lying.

He wasn’t surprised. “Oh… yeah, sure. I’ll see you out, honey.”

[F/n] and Nora stood up, [F/n] putting her bag on her shoulder and stopping in front of him with a small smile. “See you on Friday, then.”

Levi nodded, and he watched them both leave the room with pique. His fingers clawed the rim of the cup hard, and the thought of throwing it away and let it crash on the wall travelled him. He heard them both talking at the door, but he didn’t want to know what it was about. When Nora came back and sat next to him, and asked him if he was okay, he just couldn’t take it anymore.

He had to get out of here.

 

***

 

The smoke covers his lungs like a warm blanket under the drizzle. His clothes and his hair are damp, since it refuses to stop. The rain soothes him; he’s always been one to enjoy it. Levi wears the hood of his jacket on, his fist clenched in his pocket, the cigarette in his other hand. He exhales, and watches the smoke disappear in the already misty air, and when he thinks about what just happened, with Nora and with [F/n], he realises how ridiculous it all have been.

Maybe he was disappointed. It wasn’t like he expected anything out of their reunion but, he surely didn’t foresee things to happen this way. He can’t get [F/n]’s beaten face out of his mind, and his head aches. He doesn’t know if it’s because of the long drags he’s taking or his apprehension but his core is still tight.

Levi leans his back on the side of Nora’s car, and finishes his cigarette with phlegm, and when he gets to the last quarter, he finally feels calmer. It’s been a while since he enjoyed being alone that much. Since he came back, it’s actually been the only thing he asked for.

Just as he throws his cigarette butt in the gutter and opens the car door—not really sure where to go next, but sure he doesn’t want to come home yet—someone calls him out. “Smoking now, Cap?”

Levi turns his head and sees a brunet coming in his direction, and a smirk suddenly plays at the corners of his lips. “Mind your business, brat.”

Pip reaches him with a chuckle and cheerily gives him a handshake, taps on his shoulder with a broad smile, and roughly ruffles his hair. “Shit, you still have that same old cut, don’t you?”

Levi pushes him. “Fuck off.” There’s no venom in his voice; he feels quite happy now, actually.

“It’s cool, man. It’s cool.” Pip laughs, and points his chin in direction of the car. “Somewhere to go?”

Levi shrugs. “Not really.”

“Give me a ride then?”

 

***

 

“It’s been some time.”

Levi watches Pip wolf down his burger with both disgust and amusement. He isn’t sure if he’s talking about this place, or about him. In any case, it’s indeed been a while since they have both been reunited here. “Yeah.”

Pip was their youngest catcher back when they were playing in high school. If he didn’t excel in anything that didn’t include sports, he surely was a champion once he got a foot on the field. They used to come at least once a week with the team but, it’s in fact, the first time he and Pip end up alone in here. The image isn’t foreign though; Pip was always starving after throwing some balls, and he didn’t need anyone to make a conversation; even on his own, he could find something to talk about.

“So how is it? What are you up to now?” Pip winks at him. “Still being a playboy?”

Levi’s brows puckered. “Ah?”

“Alex told me you found some girl back there.”

“Oh...” He almost forgot about that. “It didn’t last long.”

Pip shoves a last handful of chips in his mouth. Levi’s nose crinkled—only in disgust now. “Shit. The one time you see one.”

“What do you mean?”

“Argh. Come on, man. All the girls were dying for you in school. You just didn’t get it.” Pip swallows thickly, and rubs the oil on his lips with his sleeve.

That shit makes no sense. “No.” It’s the only thing he finds to say. Was it really how people saw him?

“I mean, no one dared to approach you so... And it’s not like you would have given a shit anyway.” Pip grabs the bottle of ketchup and pours some in the bun of his burger. Levi feels some sudden guilt. “You still live with him?”

He didn’t want to be this kind of guy. “No. I moved two years ago.”

For now, he’s okay with the change of subject. “On your own?”

“Yeah.”

“You still see him?”

“Sometimes.”

Pip gulps down the last bit of his burger. “Anyone else?”

Levi admits the unceasing questions and Pip’s mashed food between his teeth start to annoy him, but he rather answers them than enduring anything he endured since this morning again. “No.”

“That’s rough, man.” Pip gives one last swipe of his sleeve on his face before wiping his hands with the paper towel next to his plate. “Time, I guess.” This kid’s actions make no sense.

“You do?” Levi asks, but he isn’t sure if he really wants to know the answer.

Pip shrugs, grabs the menu and looks at the dessert page. “Sometimes, yeah.”

Levi wonders what’s wrong with him then. Maybe he was okay with people leaving, after all. Maybe it was his fault too.

Pip calls out the waiter and orders a strawberry milkshake. For a moment none of them says anything, and then the milkshake arrives and Levi guesses Pip actually needs food to be that talkative. “You know, we’re doing something on Friday, actually. About half of the team should be there. Some other guys as well. You should come.”

His veins throb; he would rather go there a hundred times instead of Nora’s pathetically organised dinner, and have to meet whoever that shithead Paul was. But then he thinks about Lauren—if he accepts, it would only be for her. “I have something on Friday.”

Pip looks up from his drink, the straw still in his mouth. “After, then. I’m sure everyone would be glad to see you.”

It doesn’t sound too bad. “I’ll see what I can do.”

“Cool.” Pip’s milkshake does some bubbly sounds. “Shit, that’s good.”

 

***

 

Levi dropped Pip about an hour ago on the outskirts after he gave him his number. Now he is back in front of his house, his hands on the wheel and eyes set in front of him. The drizzle turned into a downpour, and Levi supposes it’s now time to head back home.

He sighs heavily above the drumming on the windscreen, and for a moment thinks he could just go for another round. But then he gets his head straight, and realises he would just have to keep holding on. A month isn’t that long. Maybe he could go back a bit earlier. He could find an excuse. It wouldn’t be that hard.

Finally, he turns the engine off and comes out. He peers at the dying tree in the garden, opens the door and Nora almost immediately greets him.

“Levi...” He doesn’t want to talk to her; he goes straight in direction of his room. “Levi, I think we should—”

“Not now.”

When he enters, the familiar steadiness frightens him. Nora doesn’t push, and for once he’s grateful for it. He sits on the edge of his bed, takes his shoes off and lies on top of the covers.

His eyes end up closing after spending what felt like too many hours staring at the ceiling. But just as he is about to slumber, something vibrates in his pocket:

[F/n]’s name is written on the screen of his phone. _“It was nice to see you, Human.”_

Levi’s heart hurries a bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (yeah because since Levi calls the cat "Cat" you have to call him "Human", right?)
> 
> Okay so that wasn't supposed to take that long I'm so sorry guys, I caught the flu and uni was getting rough and inspiration a bit low so this happened, I hope you enjoyed anyway! Hopefully the next one will be done a bit quicker
> 
> Oh and yeah, there's totally a reference to Amiral Ackbar in the beginning because The Last Jedi bye


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